A Letter to Myself, Before I Became a Special Needs Parent

I think everyone would agree - the worst thing about waiting - is the not knowing. You sort of have to suspend yourself in limbo. You look forward to the day you get the answer. It's torturous holding your breath until that moment comes, isn't it? It can be anything; a job, a loan, medical results, a conversation... but ultimately you have a sense of peace knowing the specific time frame you will be waiting? Right?? Like, I just have to make it to Friday, "then I'll be ok." 

Well I've learned, with Cerebral Palsy there is no Friday.  There is no date of cure. There is no day where you wake up with resolution. There's just the day that you realize you have become content with uncertainty.  

This day hit me this past Monday, when I was in the waiting room about to check out of one of Fin's Specialist appointments. I used to drag on each appointment as long as possible, (ignoring the body language of the Dr. as he back pedaled towards the door) asking so many questions and relying on the answers to bring me comfort. I needed to hear things over and over and I would leave feeling that "if I could just make it to the next appointment, then I would be ok." I could survive the in-between. Something was different this time. I was smiling and not crying, I had no questions, and I left feeling as though it was just a regular checkup.  This doesn't mean I've lost my mojo. There's a lot of fight in me.  It's more like my brain just switched to the next level. You may have read my "wait scale" post, this is a newly discovered mode for me.

Fin was a preemie that suffered brain-bleeding and we started therapy when she was 3 months old. That's when my eagerness began and my ability to cry at the drop of a hat started.  An undiagnosed child is a cause for high emotions and will cause any parent to be extremely tense or fragile.  Though, I remember being fearful of the official title stamped over my daughter's medical records. I was scared but thought, "If we only had a diagnosis, then it would be ok, because then we could have a plan of attack." Attack.. That's how I felt about it, as though it was something I could fight off completely. Then the diagnosis came. Don't get me wrong, it brought a huge sigh of relief, but I found myself looking forward to each appointment thinking somewhere it would somehow change. The pressure I put on each one, lead to increased pressure on the next.  I say pressure, because it feels like there's an elephant on your chest and you won't get that full amount of air in your lungs until you get your answer or reach the goal. I realize now that I was sprinting - ignorantly. And this is a cross-country run. I now know why some of the other parents I met didn't seem to be "full of hope" which I perceived to mean that they weren't trying to better their children's life and they had settled. Oh, foolish me. 

I met some really inspiring parents that gave me unsolicited tips or advice, I knew they could read the fresh dose of fear written on my face.  At therapy one time I had a mom tell me, "It ain't easy, but my motto is- if your kid is smiling, then you should be too." Looking back I can't even bear the thought of my baby smiling at me knowing I was fighting back tears of what could be. I wish I could have a chat with myself from 15 months ago, pre-diagnosis.  I'd say;

Hey mama,

Life is going to get hard- but it's going to be okay.  Parenthood is going to look different for you compared to your friends.  It could always be better or worse.  Be grateful in each moment, even the ones you feel 100% alone.  There's no one to blame, and no one is blaming you.  There will be a diagnosis, odds are many other labels, titles, and words will enter your life. Get comfortable with them, but don't let them dim your light.  Watch your baby girl grow and don't worry about everyone else.  You are on a unique road, don't expect others to understand it. Some days you'll want to be treated the same, some days you'll want them to know that life is different for you and your family. This is the path of a special needs parent. Those words "special needs" don't need to scare you either, I know you never thought they would be used to describe you.  While they don't define you- you will find comfort in them. It's a journey that you will take one step at a time. You'll learn to live in the now, and in time you will discover the beauty that was created amidst this pain. You will adjust to the ups and downs and the possibility that today might be worse than yesterday, but tomorrow will be better. You won't let this rollercoaster determine how you treat others, and you will certainly teach your daughter the same.  You won't merely "survive" each moment, you will make the most of them, after all this life is what you make of it.  You will celebrate every tiny miracle each day brings, and find yourself becoming best friends with your daughters many therapists . On the days you feel defeated, you will find a moment of joy and forget the whole day was challenging.  You don't need to feel guilty for feeling tired some days, you're human. Her progress doesn't solely rely on you, she will go at her own pace. Push her, but allow her to enjoy being a child. Follow her lead & be strong for her.  Don't compare her life to others',  it calls for a completely different set of rule.   Learn to adapt quickly, learn to speak up for her. You can do this, you can be your angel's backbone when she is weak. While you can control many avenues in your life, this one isn't meant to be controlled.  Her life is beautiful. Nothing can take away the love you have for her.  Nothing! Don't beat yourself up about trying to make everything perfect or easy for her- she's a tough cookie. You will never "fix" the cerebral palsy, but you can teach her to adapt to the best of her capabilities.  You won't let CP own her.  While you try to teach your daughter the smallest of tasks, she will be teaching you about the big picture. So, hold on tight and be prepared for the most amazing chapter of your life. 

Love, 

Yourself 

What does Mild Cerebral Palsy look like?

The following scenario has become an - almost daily - occurrence. My daughter and I will be out and about, running errands, shopping, what have you, and we get the looks.  I like to think it's just because Fin is so cute. It's not just a regular stare, there's a curious expression behind it and I can feel when someone is about to engage me in the conversation.  The one that starts with, "How old is she?" (Which they are asking me because either I'm assisting Fin with walking or she's using her Kaye-Walker.)  I say, "She's 2 and a half."  Like clockwork they respond with, "Oh really? Why can't she walk? She looks totally normal, you would never know something was wrong with her."  I always smile (some days while fighting back tears) and look them in the eye as I decide on my response.  I've said every different answer a special needs parent dreams of saying, it just depends on my mood that day; "Oh... and what does normal look like?" "Ha! Well thank you for the compliment?" "Aww, thanks.  We're working on it." Like a deer learning to walk, I'm learning to walk in my role as an advocate.  I realize these responses don't help anyone, and usually they just make people feel terrible.  People mean well and I understand their intention.  My child does not look stereotypically disabled.  Which leads me to believe that its not common knowledge to know what someone with Mild Cerebral Palsy looks like.  What do they look like? If it weren't for medical devices would anyone be able to tell?  You simply cannot judge a book by its cover.  I took this search to my Mild Cerebral Palsy Support Group and asked them to share pictures and a little background on their kiddos.  I was blown away by the amazing responses and just how different everyone's situations are.  We have so much to learn from each other in this life.  My hope is to bring awareness to the Mild CP community. Did you know that Cerebral Palsy is the most common motor disability in children? It affects approximately 3 live births out of every 1,000 in the United States. 

Cerebral palsy (CP) is a disorder that affects muscle tone, movement, and motor skills (the ability to move in a coordinated and purposeful way).

First, meet sweet Ava! She's 7 years old. Diagnosed at 4.5 years old with spastic Hemiplegia. Ava is twin 'B' born at 38 weeks. Ava was always developmentally behind and her mother suspected something but the Pediatrician would brush it off.   At age 4 she was still having frequent falls and still struggling with speech and social development. They were referred to PMR Doctor who confirmed Ava's diagnosis by MRI.  Her Mama writes, "I'm so proud of her. She wants to do well and works so hard in school. Areas that are affected are behavior (ADHD), balance, stability, and endurance, learning and speech . She has been serial Casted and wears AFOs. She is in mainstream school but is pulled out twice a day by her special Ed teacher. She gets therapy in school PT, OT, and speech as well as privately after school 2-3 times a week. She is my hero and my Life!"

Meet Stevie, she's a 2 (soon to be 3) year old ball of sass! She was born at 30 weeks after her mom spent 2 weeks on hospital bed rest because her water started leaking at 28 weeks. Weighing 3 pounds 11 oz, she spent 5 weeks in NICU until she reached a healthy 5 pounds.  Stevie was not reaching certain milestones and the pediatrician would not officially diagnose her until 1 year. She was referred to a neurologist and was diagnosed with Mild Cerebral Palsy at 13 months old. At 14 months they started Early Intervention with Regional Center. Mom writes, "This was the best decision we had ever made. I truly believe Stevie is where she is today because of this program. A month into therapy Stevie was rolling over. Although she never crawled, she would scoot. She received Physical Therapy, Occupational Therapy and Speech. Stevie started walking unassisted a few days before her 2nd Birthday. Now that Stevie will be 3 next month we are transitioning out of the Early Start Program and into our local School District. Because of therapy, Stevie is so much more confident even though she has always been strong-willed. Stevie may have CP but this does not define her and definitely does not hold her back." 

Meet this Mommy's little "Monster" who is almost 3 1/2 years old. This little guy was born 10 days early.  At 20 months old he was sent for an MRI, he wasn't walking and could only communicate through sign.  By 25 Months old he was walking in SMO's (Foot Braces).  He is now trying to run! His mom writes, 'we were originally told to expect him to rely on a walker or device to walk and that he'll only use sign language. Well he proves them wrong Daily. He is my hero and I am so proud. He is now using 4 word sentences and goes to pre-k."

Meet this Mommy's Perfect Son, who is 6 years old. He was diagnosed at 6 months old and that's when he started wearing his glasses. He began to sit-up, roll, and crawl by the age of 2.  He started walking, eating food, and talking at age 5.  His Mommy writes, "I am very blessed that my [oldest] son is now doing a lot of things on his own."

Meet sweet Callie who is 2.5 years old. Born at 36 weeks, due to preeclampsia issues with mom and was diagnosed with Mild CP at 14 months. She's worn glasses since 6 months old and walked independently around 18 months. She currently wears AFOs for toe walking. Mom writes, "Callie loves people with all her heart, she can light up a room with her smile. Raising a child with Mild CP may look difficult to others, but to us it's our normal."

Meet Mason. 32 week preemie, twin 'A'. No issues in NICU except growing & learning to feed. At 4 months old he started private PT for torticollis (Right side, which we now believe was CP). At 8 months old, he still could not roll over and had very high muscle tone. Also kept Right hand in a fist much of the time. He was Diagnosed at 10 Months Old. He is about to turn 1 and can scoot on his butt, pull to stand, and is starting to babble more. Mom writes, "He has trouble feeding himself with his Right hand and is still very "tight" but most people would never notice anything different about him."

 

Meet, Naomi.  She is 2 1/2 years old.  She suffered a brain-bleed at birth.  She was diagnosed at 4 months old with mild left hemiparesis. She didn't crawl, but could "creep" or scoot around. At 14 months walked assisted with ankle braces "AFO's". She wore AFO and SMO braces until 28 months old and is now doing fairly well without them. She runs, walks, and climbs to keep up with her two brothers. Lots of bumps and bruises, lots of falls. Her coordination is affected by her CP, and so is her endurance. Mom writes, "Luckily daddy doesn't mind carrying her when she gets tired of keeping up with her siblings. Speech has been affected by her CP, and she works hard to make her wants and needs known."

   

 Meet 3 year old, William. He wasn't using his left hand as much but met his milestones. We ended up getting a diagnosis of mild cp at 18 months old. Confirmed by MRI that he had a perinatal stroke. It effects his whole left side, but that doesn't seem to hold him back!

This is Benjamin! He was born at 39 weeks and weighed 7 lbs. 4oz.. He had a MRI done at 20 months because he kept his left hand in a fist almost all of the time and his left leg didn't act the same as his right. We suspected something was up much earlier, but got some pushback from his pediatrician. He sat up at 6 months, crawled at 9 months, and walked at 16 months. He is only affected on this left side (arm and leg) and has no other delays. He is 4 now and super smart and funny. 

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Sweet Noa was born 10 weeks premature, weighing 3lbs 4oz due to placental abruption. She stayed six weeks in the NICU and was intubated for the first two days. She was treated for a heart murmur and was a "feeder/grower" for the majority of the time. She had a few "spells" and was kept on caffeine for 5 weeks. At 1 year old, she still couldn't sit independently. Our doctor reassured us repeatedly that she was just behind. I pushed to get into a neurologist where she was quickly diagnosed with spastic diplegia. She has worn glasses since 11 months and AFOs since 15 months. She is 2 now and starting to crawl. She is incredibly ambitious and so funny. Cognitively she is fully capable and verbal. Her fine motor skills are beginning to catch up to her age. Mama writes, "Her resilience is jaw dropping and I admire her greatly. She is being fitted for a walker soon. Most days she wakes up and yells, "Shoes! I walk!" We look forward to seeing what she will surprise us with next."

This is Josiah! He is a 29 weeker, who along with his twin had a traumatic birth. He had a grade 3 brain bleed that eventually resolved but left some scarring. He was diagnosed with Mild Atypical Hypotonic Cerebral Palsy at 20mos old. He struggled with head control, didn't sit up until 12mos and couldn't bear weight on his legs until he had AFOs at 11 months old.  He took independent steps around the 16 month mark, and now at 28mos he wears AFOs to help with his pronation, foot drop, stability and endurance. He also has a weak core so he cannot sit up straight for too long. Mama writes, "he's happy and can keep up with his twin brother for short bouts and then he takes a break and is at it again! He's my heart!"

Meet Aiden. He was born at 35 weeks and had a brain bleed that was found during a routine head ultrasound. A follow up ultrasound 5 weeks later found more fluid in his brain. His neurologist ordered an MRI, due to favoring a hand, spasticity in his hips, legs, and ankles, and low muscle tone in his core muscles.  At 6 months old his MRI confirmed a stroke at birth. The stroke left holes in the white matter of his brain and created PVL. Through hard work and lots of therapy Aiden walks. He still falls a lot and has coordination problems.  Aiden is non-verbal and has been diagnosed with mixed expressive/receptive speech disorder, as well as, a language delay. He also has serious feeding issues. He wears bi-lateral AFOs to control toe-walking and sees pt/ot and speech therapists weekly.

This is Laney.  She's just about to turn 4 years old. She has mild right hemiplegic cp. She's affected almost entirely in her right leg. She's not as fast as her peers and tires more easily, but other than that she's not much different from other kids. She's a twin and was born full term with an uneventful delivery. We didn't have a diagnosis for her until just before her 3rd birthday. My concerns about her gross motor issues were largely ignored. It took a lot of follow up on my part to get her diagnosed. Her neurologist believes that the stroke which caused her hemiplegia, happened during the first trimester of pregnancy. I suspect it had something to do with the fact that she had a single umbilical artery.

Meet Rowan.  He was born on his due date at home as planned, but lifeless at birth. After a week of seizures, sepsis and organ failure in NICU with moderate hypoxic brain injury, he was diagnosed with CP. Now, at almost 2 years old he walks independently and can nearly run, even jump!  He struggles with coordination and speed.  He also struggles with gross and fine motor skills.  He has no cognitive delays and says many words together. Unofficial diagnosis is "right-sided hemiplegic CP, level 1 on GMFCS scale."

This is Madilynn. She is 18 months old.  She was born full term, with many complications. True knit, chd, meconium aspiration, collapsed lung, hypoxic, hppn. She had her heart repaired at 19 days old and got MRSA. The MRSA went sepctic, which requires another OR visit for broviac line. She stayed in the NICU for 6 long weeks, and feeding continued to be an issue. She has no tube, but still has major feeding and swallowing.  She also has speech problems. First neurologist diagnosed her with dyspraxia. She is hypotonic, right sided weakness, early hand preferance. She did have an MRI at 2.5 weeks old which was clear. She has a swallow study this month and a second opinion by another neurologist.

Lastly,

Meet my Fin.  She was born 9 weeks premature, which resulted in Brain Bleeds.  It was a long journey to get her official diagnosis, at 15 months old, because her Pediatrician and Neurosurgeon brushed it off.  She was delayed on her Milsetones, but one by one she continues to achieve them all!  She has ZERO intellectual disability, so she can understand when someone treats her differently.  She loves her Dance class and even rides horses as part of her therapy.  Walking Independently is our next big hurdle, and every day she is - literally - one step closer.  She motivates us to work hard for what we want, and to never give up hope when the "going gets tough".  Her sweet spirit is simply the best & she rocks our world in the best way!

    

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Verdict: Mom-Guilty

Oftentimes when my family wakes up in the morning  - I'll rub down my daughters' legs and we have our little morning chat, 

"Did you sleep good baby?" 

"Yes." 

"Let's stretch those legs!" 

"No, I want breakfast and iPad mommy!"

"Okay after we stretch."

My typical toddler.  As I stretch her legs and arms I start thinking about yesterday and how I could have stretched her better throughout the day, then I think about all the things I could have done better yesterday. Oh yesterday...   I pause my happy deep-thought and ask her to do some simple commands. She never really is able to do the things I ask, but I remain hopeful that one day she will, so I ask anyway. Then it happened, a few days ago she wiggled her toes on command for the first time!!  I shrieked, "Wiggle again! Wiggle again!!"  It was as miraculous as all get out! I teared up, ran downstairs and beamed with joy as I told my husband what amazing thing she had just done. I even texted a few of my close gal-pals about what a great day it already was! 

A fellow Mom-Blog recently reached out to me and asked me to write a piece on 'motherhood and everyday life'.  I thought, ok I'll just write about all of our daily routines and therapies, gee what an exciting article that will be.  The more I thought about what to write, it just seemed to be too full of facts and less present with emotions. The truth of it is, when I think about how I feel everyday, there are two constants: guilt & hope. I feel a sense of guilt for yesterday yet I hope and pray for little miracles today. Call me dramatic.  I think most moms can identify with me on this topic though, right? That we start out each day feeling somewhat already defeated from the day before, because we go to bed feeling like somehow we failed - like we are just surviving until daddy gets home.  So we wake up hopeful like, "Today is going to be better! 'Cause yesterday was a big fat fail!"  

We are in an era full of way too much information! I can think of several mom friends who were never paranoid people to begin with, that have entered into the world of "reading into everything & over-analyzing".  It's sort of all of us right?  Perhaps this has happened to you. You enter into a mom group all excited to maybe learn a little- but mostly you just know that your baby is pretty much perfect... and then you find yourself questioning all these potential issues your baby might have that you never thought you'd be questioning;  "Should I not have vaccinated?" "Does my baby need a helmet?" "Is she tongue tied?" "Does this behavior constitute as 'colic'?" "Should I cut out dairy and gluten?" "Why isn't he sleeping better?" "Is he sleeping too long?" "Are there GMO's in this?" "Why can't other people understand what she's saying, does she need speech therapy?" "Why did/didn't I get the flu shot?!" 

The list goes on and on... Forever. 

 I know that no one loves the parent who is always boasting about their perfect child(ren)- but man, don't you wish sometimes you had what they are having? Even if just for a second. To be able to leave some of the "worry" behind.  Social Media has a funny way of making us feel like we are lesser in some way. It's easier to look at pictures and imagine that their life is perfect. It's a culture where most are projecting an "image" of what they want others to believe. Truth is behind those pictures they are every day humans living every day lives, facing all the same types of emotions and problems as you. We all are on this worry-train together and this isnt just when being on mommy-mode... Don't even get me started on wife-mode, work-mode, friend-mode, etc.. Sigh. Mom-guilt is the worst. Some days every other mode seems to follow suit right? Ugh. That's what wine and reality TV are for, lol I'm kidding. Not really. 

A few posts back I posted "That Special Word" which touched base on not rushing through the milestones. Now I'm saying, try not to worry through them either. I know that seems impossible. If you've surrounded yourself around other healthy-minded moms then I'm sure you've heard, "you have to do what you feel is right for your family" a time or two. Sometimes we can be so full of worry that we miss the small miracles happening everyday.  This can be anywhere from a simple successful trip to the store, to a great nap, to your little one hitting that next milestone.  Do me a favor, please limit your online reading in those groups.  You know, the ones that are obsessed with identifying, labeling, and fixing every little so-called problem? Also, start trying not to beat yourself up - you simply cannot do it all, and that's okay. There should be no comparison between any two families. Try to kick that guilt to the curb!  Like a diet, limit carbs and guilt. Haha!  I can assure you- if you question your mom-self daily, then you are obviously doing the best you can because you are concerned on how you could be doing it better.  Which is the mark of an amazing mother. Keep up the good work mama, you're doing a great job. Those tough days are going to come, and I suppose that's when Netflix and Chill can apply to us moms.

( Seriously though, what does that even mean? )

Adopting Educational Terms

Odds are you've come across - What Not to Say - type articles, this one is a little different. Having been a part of the Adoption Community for almost 3 years, I've learned a lot.  I realized that there is still so much to learn.  I've asked my friend Becca to weigh in and add to my article.  She's an Adoptee & also a Birthmother- she recently placed her beautiful daughter.  She's also the gal behind the Inspirational Adoption Instagram @adoptthelove.  It never baffles or upsets us if, in a genuine conversation, any wrong terms are used.  It just always makes us think we want to help in the education process.  Adoption being a taboo thing to discuss, is a thing of the past.  Open-Adoption has become more accepted and as a result, there are terms that everyone needs to be aware of. No one ever wants to sound inconsiderate or ignorant, especially when in a sincere conversation.  So here are some adoption terms that we suggest you learn & hopefully use:

1. Birth-terms. Birth, Birth, Birth. Instead of referring to a child's "real" mother, the appropriate term is "Birthmother".  Both moms are real, right? One gave birth and the other is doing the rearing.  Birthparents also often like to be referred to as, "First Parents" and this is acceptable too.  We even have some friends who like to be called "Belly Moms".  Once the Birthmother signs the papers relinquishing her rights, the "Hopeful Adoptive Mom" becomes "Adoptive Mom" or preferably just "Mom". If you are friends with the BirthFamily- you may want to ask them what they would like you to refer to the Adoptive Parents as. Actually this can apply when describing all adoption-related family members, unless you know them by first name. It's always a safe question to ask.  

2.  Placed. "Why did she place her baby with you?" Instead of "why did she give up her baby?"  You'll commonly hear the words "given up". (I know they even use this term in Juno.)  With domestic adoption the way it is now (open), most Birth-Mother's had the ability to choose the family that raises their child. Which is really incredible. Even if a Birth-mom chooses to be in a closed adoption,  she still gets to choose the family that she places her child with. [In many Foster situations the child was most likely taken away, and even then - the term "given up" does not apply.]

3. Biological Child. This one is probably the most common in my life, and again - it does not upset me - I'm just trying to encourage appropriate word usage. "Do you want to have a child of your own?" I always say, "You mean a biological child?"  My adopted child is my own, but I get the question that is being asked.  Let's make another mental note with this one, I believe it's 75% safer to assume that people choose adoption as a "last resort" in growing their family. Not everyone is like me and the rarer few who chose it before fertility treatments.. So, asking about a hypothetical future biological child will likely just strum up the kind of emotions that you do not intend to by asking that question.  It's pretty safe to stay away from that one, unless you want to discuss fertility and miscarriage, then by all means- discuss that. I'd lead with a different question though. 

4. Expectant Mother. A Birthmother remains titled an Expectant Mother until she signs the parental-relinquishment papers. Typically these papers are signed once she is realeased from the hospital - about a few days post birth. An adoptive mom may be talking for months with her potential child's expectant mother, hoping that one day she becomes their child's birthmother.  Pretty simple, yeah?  

5. Placement. You may have seen a viral video going around of a "placement ceremony". I had never seen anything like it, but apparently it's not too uncommon in some states. I got a little flack on my ignorant comment that I thought it "seems like something you'd do in a closed-adoption?" (Yikes! Hey, I'm still learning.). Actually some Birthmothers love that their child's parents receive a ceremony like this.  Placement can happen at any time and differs in each adoption process. It is when the Adoptive Parents take the baby Home or into their custody.  This time can vary from, as soon as baby is discharged from hospital - up to a few weeks post-birth. 

6. Being Triad conscious in Open Adoption. This isn't really a term, but I felt it was necessary to include. It's most important to be conscious of everyone in the triad, which is the Birthparents, Adoptive Parents, and Adoptee.  Most importantly the Adoptees. Like any parent, we are always wanting the best for our child.  When applying this logic to adoption it just looks a little different. When you dive into researching Adoption the evidence is overwhelming that Healthy Open-Adoptions are most beneficial to the Adoptee. Makes sense, right? Never having to question where you came from? Or Wondering who's eyes and nose you have?? Parenting in the triad will differ in each adoption. Some Birthmothers live with their biological child and his/her parents. Some get pictures once a week, some get visits once a year. There are many degrees of "open" and there's no right or wrong.  Open adoption typically is any adoption where Birthparents identity and medical records are present.  In most cases there are no legal contracts bindibb the adoptive family as to just how open they shall remain, it's basically left to the honor system.  Some states carry a 310-contact agreement. However, if a birthmom can't financially keep the agreement in current legal standings, she hold no legal grounds.  I find it heartbreaking when my friends, that are healthy Birthmothers, are cut-off from their biological child's life because "open adoption" doesn't fit into their lifestyle anymore. I wrote a letter to myself the day we took our baby home, I often re-read it to remind myself how grateful I am for the Birthparents who chose us. They handpicked us and placed their baby into our arms. They made our family complete and for that we are eternally grateful. 

Adoption is such a divine thing, and although I think it's interesting to see the memes that say "Adoption is the new pregnant" and "Adoption is the Cool Option" - I'm gonna have to add those to this list.  Please don't send these to your Hopeful-Adoptive friends.. The Adoption community views these as inconsiderate to parts of the triad and for different reasons. (I agree.)

My husband and I grew our family through the Adoption Process. There is SO MUCH to learn, and I have to say I'm so proud of our family and friends who use all of these terms appropriately. If you have a friend that is a member of the triad, I bet they will be pleasantly surprised if you appropriately use any of our suggested words...try it! 

(This photo is of Becca & the lovely woman who Adopted her daughter. This pic just says it all.)