That "Special" Word

A Someone recently said to me that it takes a - special person - to raise a child with special needs. I told her, "It's actually quite the opposite... these kids make you a special person."

Exactly 3 weeks ago, our Physiatrist told me that Finley was an ideal candidate for this procedure called the SDR that they do in St. Louis. I knew exactly what he was talking about, because when we first learned of Fin's diagnosis it would always pop up in my google searches. The past few weeks we have been busy gathering documents, filling out applications, and making videos for her to get this crazy surgery.  It was all consuming. The Selective Dorsal Rhizotomy is where they to go into the spine and cut the nerves that send the signals from her brain to her leg muscles, these are the nerves that tell her legs to be "spastic" or tight. That's my layman's terms of it for you, it's a big surgery. One Huffington post article called it "Life-Changing".  In essence a "cure" for my daughters disability?? My 2.5 year old might be able to walk soon??  I could not fill out the paperwork fast enough! A friend that I made through an online support group shared her daughter's very recent SDR success story with me. This was the ultimate sign of hope, it made me feel as though our life could be "normal" one day.  Words simply cannot describe the way it made me feel. 

I think of my blog every time I'm in a waiting room, which marks 3 times this week (and it's Tuesday). We just got home from the Orthopedic Surgeons office. He encouraged us to wait on the surgery. Sigh, we all know waiting is my favorite thing to do. His words struck me to the core (I'm often dramatically emotional in these specialist's offices). As soon as he removed the possibility of this surgery from my immediate future, the little impatient girl inside me wanted to cry and say "no, I want it now!" He went on to explain the hypothetical risks. He concluded with, "She's still a baby.  Look at her progress since even just a few months ago.. I don't want to give up on her abilities just yet, look at her! She's perfect." I was tearing up, I agreed with him. I respect him & his professional opinion. I've been through my share of doctor visits that I disagree with.  (Including the Neurologist that told me there was "no hope" for our then 8 month old, to walk but that he could prescribe me valum to give her daily to "relax" her.  I think, back then when I left I was laughing out of disbelief.) 

This was different. This doctor has done so much for our CP journey with Fin. He was the doctor that diagnosed her and fought to get her insurance to cover more & more therapy coverage. He cares. 

It's so easy to look to that quick fix for hope (even though Fin's quick fix would entail a very intense spine surgery in another state!) By longing for the future, I was in a sense "wishing away" the current moments I have with her. As mothers we can't help but hope for that next milestone, right? Like, oh I can't wait for the day when my baby can hold their own bottle,  it will be easier when they can crawl, it will be so much nicer when they can tell me what they want... and before we know it they are grown up! (I've obviously been reminiscing - did you see my last post?? Lol.) 

I honestly feel a little sense of mom-guilt now, I was blinded the last few weeks... Why was I putting so much pressure on this surgery? Was I getting obsessed with the idea that it could be MY "fix"? I think it's human nature, I'm not going to beat myself up about it, but I thought about it the whole way home from the Doctors office. I cried some more (note to self: get it together, good grief.)

Life as a parent is tough, and life as a special needs parent is definitely not for the faint of heart! Even on the days where I feel like I'm a big fat failure, my negative thoughts always subside and I feel grateful for the life we have and the perspective it gives us. That little saying, "A pair of shoes can change your life," couldn't be more true.. Having Finley's special shoes in our lives has brought immeasurable meaning.  

Nothing that's worth having comes easy, and I'll be darned if we don't work our butts off the next few years getting our girl up and walking! I dream about it and I know she does too. That day will come soon and when it does... you better believe there will be some gi-normously special tears! 

Special- adj. exceptionally good or precious

(I want to clarify that I fully support the SDR surgery! If Finley continues to be a candidate for it, we will pursue that option in the future.) 

That One Time in Little Italy

I remember -like it was yesterday- my husband and I were celebrating our 2nd Wedding Anniversary in New York City. We'd been hopeful-adoptive parents waiting to be matched for several months. The trip was over Fathers Day Weekend. I loved to go away on that specific holiday, because the year prior I lost my dad AND we found out about our fertility issues. Needless to say I wanted to get the heck away for Fathers Day. We were having dinner in Little Italy and I told him, "I pray we get a call next week! How cool would that be?!" I gave my husband a cheesy "soon to be dad" card & told him even though we were empty nesters, I still saw him as an amazing father. We spoke candidly about what it will be like to be parents one day, we discussed further about baby names that we loved and hated. There we were in The Big Apple, lovesick and yearning for parenthood.  

Sure enough... Not even a week later, we got a call from our attorney with a match! Com-plete-shock.  I remember being so excited that I didn't even ask if it was a boy or girl!!! Talk about cloud nine! Haha.. Needless to say that's how our journey with Finley began. A week after NY dreaming. 

We just had to do her first birthday in the Little Italy theme. I even had to learn to play the accordion. Just had to, makes sense right?

Here are some pics from her 1st Birthday Photo Session. We opted to do a "spaghetti smash" in lieu of the traditional cake smashing photos.. 

Here is a few from the party: 

This last one is my favorite! It's Finley's beautiful birthmother - LeeLee, Fin, and me. I'm so happy I'm able to share these milestone moments with Fin's birth family. Open Adoption is amazing, especially in our own little Italy!  (And go figure you are looking at three italian gals in this pic.) ❤️

Blessed Feeding Diaries

So,  I'm sure you've seen - all the rage - surrounding Breast Feeding.  It's everywhere! There's even a stoic model breastfeeding twins on the new Equinox gym advertisement.  I get that they are doing it for controversial attention, which is great for advertising, but doesn't all of this take away from the miracle that is breast feeding? All this publicity seems to exploit the sanctity of the process.

 I guest write on a friends mommy-blog and she recently posted on the "Hot-Button topic" of blatant Public Breast Feeding.  While I watched her get practically crucified for her outrageous opinion that "one should respect others around them and wear a cover", it dawned on me that I hadn't really formed an opinion on the matter.  I read some counter 'arguments' and understand the convenience of Public Breast Feeding. I'm not living under a rock, all of my friends breast feed their children in different manners and I support them all. The more I read, the more my heart sank - so many scientific facts about why breast is best, women bashing others for not breastfeeding, and even men weighing in on the subject. I will never know if I would have been a public breastfeeder, how long I would have breast fed my child, or how long I would have pumped  if my child wouldn't latch- because I simply did not create her.  Trust me, I'm well aware of all the benefits of breast feeding. I also know that my formula-fed kid gets sick less often than her breast-fed peers,  I think it's beautifully incredible nonetheless. I was actually giving lactation a considerable amount of thought. Honestly, I'm not even joking - Google it - you'll find articles of mamas who breast fed their adopted babies. That's dedication.  But, this post is dedicated to the mamas that couldn't breastfeed.

You may feel a little kick in the nipple every time you log onto Facebook and see a mother's breast fastened to her baby suckling away. In the same way that seeing a pregnancy announcement gives you that familiar little punch in the ovary.  Whatever your opinion may be, this isn't about them- and it isn't supposed to make us feel inferior or as though we aren't doing the best we can for our babies. This is something that we just aren't meant to experience. And that's ok. Try to understand that we get to see life in an entirely different light while we are sitting there, blessed to be feeding a child that was or wasn't born to us. 

My daughter was a preemie. The hospital supplied us with donor breast milk and fed her through a feeding tube. Biological child or not, the bond that comes through feeding is a coveted one. As a brand new adoptive mom I was naturally intrigued with breastfeeding. While in the NICU one day, the nurse encouraged me to let my baby suck on my nipple (instead of the pacifier) while she was being fed through the tube. This would help her brain to pair the sensation to suck with eating, and as a result, she'd learn to bottle feed quicker. This would scientifically benefit her? I should do this.. But I felt self-conscious for some reason and told her I'll just let her use the Paci.  She left the room, my mind wandered, "Am I already a bad mom?"  Of course I thought about what it would be like.. I started trying to maneuver us into a breastfeeding position.  If you've ever held a baby in the NICU it's like holding a fragile bomb attached to all these very important wires. My heart was racing in anticipation of this experience I had heard so much about... Just then I knocked one of the monitors off of her and sent all the alarms beeping! It gave me a heart attack, did I just kill my child?! The nurse ran back into the room, let's be real- she knew what I was trying to do. She adjusted the monitors back into place, looked me in the eye and asked me again if I was still sure I wanted to use the pacifier - I nodded in total embarrassment. 

In that moment I gained a new perspective.  As I held my precious baby - skin to skin and heart to heart - I breathed her in and watched her little 4 pound body be fed. I began to sob, like a Kardashian ugly cry. I realized I should be grateful for what I have and that nothing else mattered but nurturing this little life I was holding on my chest.  When something like this strikes you, it temporarily clears your memory of pain, confusion and everything you thought you should be doing. I held on to the realness of that moment. It brought me clarity that it doesn't matter what politically-correct mom related thing I do or say, whether I breast or formula feed, or if I make organic food or buy organic food (I'm not going to debate organic food).  What matters is that motherhood will bring its own set of challenges and I think everyone needs to see the diverse beauty of it. We all will have different experiences and do what we think is best. You guys, your baby will know your love for them, not by the method at which you feed them or if/how you even birthed them.  These things do not define love.  To my friends who are waiting to adopt or my friends that haven't had children yet - should you find yourself feeding your baby one day (and you will), I hope you feel nothing but blessed. 

Enjoying Paper Pregnancy

Correct me if I'm wrong - but - I believe the jury is still out on when one technically becomes paper pregnant.  Some say, that it's once your home study is complete. Others say that it's as soon as you are chosen by an expectant couple.  I've found a few who agree with my belief - that it's as soon as you touch your first Adoption-Related paper. 

Waiting to get matched as a hopeful adoptive couple can be so nerve-wracking.  You essentially are waiting for an expecting mother to look through your profile and say, "Hey, they look like they would be great parents to my unborn child."  Every moment that passes by, you are second guessing your word choice in your bio and picture choice in the photo albums. I could write a Novel regarding all of the emotions & realities that accompany taking the first steps in the Adoption Process (and I will, don't you worry) - but I wanted to do something fun after my last more serious post. We've all seen the meme's that say something to the effect of, "Sometimes I workout everyday and sometimes I eat an entire large pizza. It's called balance."  Those always get me, and I feel they really apply to life in a waiting room. You have to keep a positive perspective and maintain a balance because you're in it for the long haul, and at the end of this road is your child. I promise that you will breathe the largest breath of relief you've ever felt, when you are finally hugging your son or daughter.  It's indescribable. I want to say, I completely respect the grief and heartbreak that infertility can bring, and I'm aware that some don't see an empty nursery as something to celebrate. I always saw it as a sign of hope and sort of used it as my vision board. I also know that some opt to stay off social media, because babies are everywhere, aren't they? #babyboom.  I've been to the point where I'm even seeing baby faces in my soup. Ugh. Allow yourself some time to fully grieve & when you are ready, do something fun to celebrate your paper pregnancy. 

We started our home study right away,  I made every checkmark such a fun process.  And there were like 100 so, it kept me busy! Among the bajillion hoops we had to jump through - getting 'CPR Certified' was one of them. I was able to make that super fun and eventful with a cheese platter and a little wine during our in-home class (am i aloud to say that?).  I invited our moms & had CPR cookies made that said "I Love Grandma" (I know, pretty cutesy right?) In lieu of weekly belly progression photos, every time I finished one of the required reading books I would hold it up on my belly & take that photo in the mirror.  It was technically my pregnancy progression.. Hey! It made me feel better on those darker days, ok? (Sometimes I pose with books - Balance.)  One of my great super-mom friends took me to go register at Babies'R'Us and we began planning my Stock the Nursery Shower.

Mind you, this was all only like 2 months after our consultation with our attorney & we started telling friends and family our plans to adopt.  Another friend suggested we do "we're adopting" pictures. Of course with my love for photo-ops - I was texting our incredible wedding photographer within minutes. I found a few pictures on Pinterest, which is where I discovered the term waiting for you.  Knowing I had all of these little milestone moments to enjoy truly aided in keeping my spirits on the up and up.  I must admit - on photoshoot day I felt a little silly taking these pics, and my husband was such a sport about it. (Know that bribery did indeed take place.) As weird as it felt, I had to remind myself that I was allowed and supposed to be excited about this. Looking back, I'm so glad we did these, and I can't wait to show my daughter just how excited we were for her to arrive in our lives. I actually show her all the time, but she's two - all she sees is the big balloon.  

(This last one is supposed to be like 'waiting for the missing piece' but I don't think that point comes accross without explanation #PinterestFail.)

Now, WHEN to share the fact that you are paper pregnant?? Some people share it right away - matter of fact - we were encouraged to put it out there in all forums.  A lot of people meet their child's birthparents by word of mouth, it's not solely through Agencies or Attorneys.  In this day and age Facebook & Instsgram can aide in Adoption connections.  Saying, "We're Adopting!" will also come with lots and lots of questions/comments.. We determined that we weren't equipped to deal with said questions should we experience a failed placement.  My husband and I came to an agreement that we would not announce our "paper pregnancy" publicly until we were chosen by an expectant couple.

[An expectant mother does not become a birthmother until her rights are relinquished- which in the state of CA can be anywhere from 24 hours to two weeks after she signs the paper (which is typically a few days post birth). [PS I will always underline educational adoption terms.]

After we received the call and met our Daughter's Birthparents, we decided to enjoy the special time we had with them in secrecy. 

  Once our daughter was legally in our custody, we announced our adoption. We've honestly never had a happier announcement or one that was so worth the wait.